Movie Review: Conan the Barbarian Is Super Cheesy Fun, but Doesn't Know It

Simon Varsano/Lionsgate

Review in a Hurry: A gleeful throwback to the not-even-hugely-popular-in-its-day subgenre of '80s R-rated fantasy, the kind of movie a 13 year-old boy may lap up now and be embarrassed about years later. Not that there's anything wrong with that—it may be ridiculous as all get-out, but the fact that the exaggeration is so irony free is charming in its own way.

READ THIS, TOO! Conan hottie to Arnold: "Leave me alone!"

The Bigger Picture: Does anybody remember how, in the lead up to Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Michael Bay made a big deal about how 3-D requires longer shots so that the eye can perceive it properly, and therefore his editing would be less hyper? Yeah, Conan the Barbarian director Marcus Nispel never got that memo. So while it's possible that there are kids out there with short enough attention spans to follow the action sequences herein, it's highly unlikely that the 3-D effects in them will be observed—let alone appreciated—by the naked eye.

Determined to offend anyone who would dare take things too seriously, Nispel's new take on Robert E. Howard's hulking hero begins with fetal Conan in the womb. Prematurely born as the result of a sword slash, the kid is cut out of his mom by Ron Perlman and the ZZ Top pelt that adorns his face. The mother names her son with her last breath, as dad raises his animatronic baby boy to the heavens and screams. Perhaps somebody found this emotionally stirring at one point or another, but don't worry if it elicits laughter—you may still have fun with what's to come.

Years later, the bad guy from Avatar and his daughter, all done up like Babylon 5's Londo Mollari, come a-calling, seeking a piece of bone that will finish the assemblage of a magic crown. In the process, Conan's dad is killed and the youngster is emotionally and physically scarred. Years go by, and our barbarian grows up to be Jason Momoa, Londo Mollari-like girl becomes Rose McGowan, and Stephen Lang's Khalar Zym stays the same age somehow. Maybe it's the bone crown.

From here on out, it's a fairly simple tale of revenge, complicated only by the fact that the villains need a particular female sacrifice to complete their task, in this case Rachel Nichols' Tamara. Since the world these characters inhabit is largely computer-generated and mostly uninhabited, the stakes seem pretty low–does anyone really care if some warlord resurrects his dead wife? Based on what we actually see, these cities all have a population of like 20 people anyway. It's not like any villain could do much with that.

But of course it doesn't matter.

What matters is that Conan fights guys made of sand, Conan fights a tentacle-monster, Conan cuts a guy's nose off. It should be noted that Conan is also stunningly sexist, consistently treating Tamara like a slave and an object, for which she instantly falls in love with him.

Momoa, who in early stills looked like a male model playing dress-up, is surprisingly good. He may not get any lines as memorable to Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer to what is good in life, but he makes a solid action hero in more ways than one.

So did director Nispel intend an inherent camp factor? Given his filmography, it seems unlikely. But then it wouldn't be half as charming if the film were actually winking at itself; let's not forget Arnold did that in an ill-advised sequel (and spin-off, if you count Red Sonja) the first time around.

The original Barbarian is still classic, but Nispel has at least made the second-most-fun Conan movie to date.

The 180—a Second Opinion: Khalar Zym travels over desert terrain in a giant boat carried on the backs of elephants. There's a Werner Herzog movie in there somewhere, and imagining it is sometimes more fun than watching what's actually onscreen.

PHOTOS! Arnold Schwarzenegger's Big Movies

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Movie Review: Winnie the Pooh Is Sweet Like Hunny

Disney Enterprises

Review in a Hurry: It's trickier than it looks to make a movie that offends absolutely nobody, but Winnie the Pooh is as close as it gets. Neither age-inappropriate nor insultingly childish, this classic-feeling throwback (in glorious 2-D hand-drawn animation!) stays true to the beloved characters and the books by A.A. Milne—though in doing so, it's also unavoidably scattershot and short.

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The Bigger Picture: Not including the animated short that precedes it—in which Billy Connolly narrates the Loch Ness monster's origin story—and the animated end titles (complete with post-credits gag), Winnie the Pooh has a running time of about an hour. To be true to Pooh, one really only can tell short stories, though directors Stephen Anderson and Don Hall jazz things up visually by literally making the book's text come alive, and aurally by casting John Cleese as the omniscient narrator who occasionally addresses the characters directly.

If you're reading this, we can probably safely assume you know the basics of the Hundred Acre Wood. Pooh and friends are the stuffed playthings of a young English boy named Christopher Robin, and the "silly old bear" is constantly on the hunt for "hunny." He's alternately assisted and hindered by smarty-pants Owl, scaredy-cat Piglet, obsessive Rabbit, rambunctious Tigger, depressive Eeyore and the lovingly familial mother-son team of Kanga and Roo. In the unlikely event that you somehow escaped childhood not knowing any of that, find a nearby kid and have them explain.

The movie mostly deals with the search for Eeyore's lost tail, as well as a missing Christopher Robin who is presumed to have been abducted by a mythical beast called the Backson (a misreading of a note that says "back soon"). It's a plot familiar to Milne readers and thin material for a feature, but you can't just go writing a new story willy-nilly without alienating a massive chunk of the audience: young'uns who'll nitpick every deviation from the source. Yet the story is so episodic that it feels like it was designed to be started and stopped on the DVD player at any point, to be easily resumed without any confusion. That's not necessarily a criticism, but nor is it a wholehearted endorsement of a full-price admission purchase to the big-screen presentation.

New songs written by Kristen Anderson-Lopez, Richard Lopez and sometimes Zooey Deschanel are charming and fit the whimsical tone, though Deschanel's rendition of the classic theme song may be an acquired taste. The new voice actors are universally good, with Jim Cummings a near-dead ringer for the late Sterling Holloway and Craig Ferguson channeling his old Drew Carey Show persona for Owl.

Whether this movie serves as an introduction to Pooh or a refresher, kids should love it and you won't feel bad about them loving it. But you can easily wait for DVD—if you have children of your own, you'll end up buying it anyway.

The 180—a Second Opinion: Unlike the feature, that Nessie short really is only for the very young, and with its moral that crying for days on end solves your problem it perhaps is not one you want tantrum-prone tots to take to heart.

PHOTOS: Flick Pics: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

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Movie Review: The Smurfs Is a Giant Smurfing Pile of Smurf

Courtesy of Sony Pictures Animation

Review in a Hurry: It's a Smurfs movie. What did you expect? If your answer is "a kid-friendly adaptation of the Peyo comics," you're not thinking enough like a Hollywood executive. There's more character and expressiveness in the cartoon drawings over the film's end credits than is shown at any other point. But on the bright side, at least some of the actors actually try to make it all work.

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The Bigger Picture: Yes, this really is the epitome of cynical studio cash grabs that it appears to be. Take a property with brand-name identification, throw a ton of money and a couple of name actors at it, add in some inappropriately adult-themed stuff for parents and a shoehorned-in moral for kids. Then make sure there's product placement galore, as well as prominent usage of some of the same classic-rock songs that are in everything.

Voila: The Smurfs.

The Hanna-Barbera cartoon that this is most based upon was never really that good to begin with; it was a preposterous fantasy tale for kids, offering little to remember beyond the infernally catchy "La, la, la-la-la la" theme song. It'd be easier to forgive this live-action/animated adaptation, however, if it kept the kids in mind, perhaps by telling a tale set in that realm of wizards and monsters, featuring the Smurfs' traditional (and young) human pals Johan and Peewit/Peewee.

Instead, because of the idea that parents should be marketed to as well, the Smurfs have to leave medieval Europe via an accidentally generated magic portal and come to modern-day New York City, where they can involve themselves in the life of a put-upon marketing strategist (Neil Patrick Harris) and his pregnant wife (Jayma Mays). Along the way, of course we have to put up with gratuitous references to other films, including some mature titles that are really jarring in this context (Midnight Cowboy, Brokeback Mountain, Braveheart).

Harris works hard to make the movie work, at one point literally pointing out every single absurdity of the Surfs' entire existence, which makes for a funny moment despite undermining the whole premise.

Hank Azaria's hammy, evil wizard Gargamel, here augmented with an odd foreign accent, is a hoot, particularly when interacting with his occasionally digital feline sidekick Azrael. And among the Smurfs, special props to Fred Armisen, whose impersonation of the original Brainy Smurf's voice is far better than any mimicry the SNL star has ever done before.

All else feels forced, from the plot points to the unrealistic behavior of every major human character to the stagey nature of the pratfalls. It isn't desperately painful to sit through, but you're likely to hate yourself if you pay for it.

The 180—a Second Opinion: An early moment with the Smurfs flying on storks is both faithful to the source and thrilling in 3-D. Everything most of the movie isn't.

PHOTOS: Movies From the Future!

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Movie Review: Anne Hathaway Learns It Takes Years to Fall in Love in One Day

Giles Keyte, Focus Feature

Review in a Hurry: Two college grads (Anne Hathaway, Jim Sturgess) begin a friendship that spans 20 years before it blossoms into something more. Despite the familiar When Harry Met Sally, friends-first, opposites-attract contrivances, this romance is intermittently loveable, thanks to a glam cast and witty script.

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The Bigger Picture: Emma and Dexter couldn't be more different. So it's evident from their almost-intimate first encounter and their vow to just be buds that they're destined to fall in love. It's the oldest rom-com trick in the book—or in this case, David Nicholls' bestselling novel. But this bittersweet adaptation makes their two decades of foreplay (mostly) worth the wait.

Emma is a working-class girl with writerly aspirations, but a cynical lack of confidence. Dexter is a wealthy, cocksure cad with a taste for women and booze. Somehow Em and Dex click, at least as BFFs.

Starting on the night of their college graduation, July 15, 1988, Day checks in with Em and Dex every subsequent July 15th. Their lives are usually out of synch: While she works a crap job and suffers a passionless relationship, he's a TV star and married man. Then when Em finds love and success as an author in Paris, London-living Dex sinks his family and career. Eventually, kismet kicks in as these crazy, stupid lovers realize what we've known since scene one.

Perhaps the same-time-next-year device worked better in the book, but here it's unnecessarily gimmicky and forces the film to account for each year, instead of conflating events. Plus, the onscreen treatment of dates, though playful at first, gets precious and distracting.

Hathaway, with her doe eyes and shaky British accent, develops a warm rapport with charmer Sturgess. Their easy chemistry makes it credible that these characters would keep circling back to each other, despite the ups and downs and near-misses. And their snappy banter prevents key moments from getting soaked in sap and sentimentality.

Though far from perfection, this is still one fine Day.

The 180—a Second Opinion: Can we please have a moratorium on scenes featuring a new dad trying to quiet/entertain a crying baby? It's not endearing—it's as grating as the toddler's tantrum.

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Movie Review: Final Destination 5 Spoiler Alert: Everybody Dies in the End

New Line Cinema

Review in a Hurry: Critics of the Final Destination sequels may say they appeal only to sick, twisted individuals who like to laugh at onscreen misfortune...and they'd be absolutely right. Hard to believe that the first movie aimed at being a genuinely suspenseful shocker from a pair of X-Files producers; it's now all strictly about the elaborate kills, and the associated red herrings. If you know and dig this, you'll have a blast.

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The Bigger Picture: It's honestly no insult to say that the best thing about FD5 is its credits—they may be the most gloriously overboard examples of such ever committed to film. Opening titles throw multiple hazardous objects at your face in a shower of 3-D broken glass, while the end credits showcase a montage of the franchise's greatest deaths enhanced with additional 3-D gore and scored to AC/DC.

If you missed any of the first four installments, the formula is as follows: Massive disaster sequence, usually involving attractive young men and women dying violently. Sudden reveal that this was just a premonition, as one character starts yelling at everybody to run away because something bad is going to happen. A significant number of people go along with it, only to later find themselves dying as a result of mysterious Rube Goldberg-like coincidences, in the order they would have died anyway. Each time, the designated main character tries to figure out a way to make an exception to death's arbitrary rules, and every time thus far everyone has ended up eventually buying it anyway.

As a result, there's no real continuity (save the occasional Tony Todd cameos as a creepy mortician) and no suspense to speak of. Death may literally be an invisible hand in this series, but he/she/it is nonetheless the best modern-day equivalent of Jason Voorhees—as in the Friday the 13th sequels, the thrill is in the slasher's creative sadism. Except Jason only got one 3-D movie, and FD is now on to its second. (It should be noted that both franchises fake-promised to stop at part 4.)

Of the new cast, only Miles Fisher really makes an impression. As the absurdly focused team leader for the local paper factory, he comes off like a demented young Tom Cruise (a role he portrayed previously in Superhero Movie). Director Steven Quale, a James Cameron protégé, keeps things reasonably fun despite the fact that we really don't care about much that happens between moments of violence. The ending, however, rewards longtime fans nicely.

The 180—A Second Opinion: It's probably too much to expect in a sequel with this high a number, but a plot that actually got into why death behaves in such a capricious manner might keep our attention more than the frivolous relationship drama we get now.

GALLERY: Movies From the Future

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Movie Review: Selena Gomez Brings Sugary Disney Sweetness to Europe in Monte Carlo

Larry Horricks/Twentieth Century Fox

Review in a Hurry: Tween idol Selena Gomez tackles not one, but two roles for her big-screen adventure, playing both a Texas waitress who travels to Paris and the snotty, rich, tabloid celebrity whom she gets mistaken for. Along the way, she ends up crushing on some dude with a crazy 'do, naturally.

A flick with a Disney star usually means broad humor, but thankfully the laughs come without pratfalls. Selena fans will be pleased that she's just as spunky as ever. Parents will not be bored...at least? too much.

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The Bigger Picture: Grace (Gomez) dreams of getting out of her small Texas town. She's spent four years working at a diner saving for her dream trip to Paris with her BFF Emma (Katie Cassidy). Mom (Andie MacDowell) is anxious for her daughter to see the world but has one condition: Her older stepsister, Meg (Leighton Meester), will be the trip's chaperone. Meester (Blair from Gossip Girl) makes with her brand of know-it-all sass.

But when the trio enter a ritzy motel to get out of the rain, Grace gets the royal treatment. Turns out she's a ringer for British socialite Cordelia Winthrop Scott. So Grace impersonates! Don't feel bad for Cordelia though, as it comes as no surprise that she's a grade-A jerk. Although, as Cordelia we're not sure why Gomez sounds like a snotty version of Angelina Jolie...but...just go with it.

Gomez might be the stunner in a fancy evening gown, but it's CW alumnae Meester and Cassidy (Supernatural, Melrose Place) who shine. Meester can make any role more interesting than it deserves. Cassidy plays a gal from a small town who loves shiny, pretty things. Her enthusiasm feels genuine.

So maybe it's not Gomez to blame but the character of Grace. Grace feels some remorse for her identity thievery but only at the very end of the movie. After all, there are those lovely dresses to be worn, boys to swoon over and did we mention a $3 million necklace that gets "misplaced." Of course it does.

In the spirit of situational comedy, the "OMG! What do we do next?!" kind, the script clicks. What young gal wouldn't want the opportunity to be famous, have it all and party in a gorgeous place like Monte Carlo? Director Thomas Bezucha filmed on location in Paris and Monte Carlo, and both look superb.

The film's lessons on friendship and growing up are effective. Nothing's ever as dire as things were for those sisters of the traveling pants, but that's fine. Sometimes girls just want to have fun.

The 180—a Second Opinion: Glee's Cory Monteith plays Owen, boyfriend to Cassidy's Emma. In a subplot that sidetracks the fun, he travels to Paris to declare his true love for her. Monteith is solid, but cutting away from the three gals living it up in Europe is distracting.

PHOTOS: Totally New Releases!

(Originally published June 30, 2011, at 6 p.m. PT)

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Movie Review: Zookeeper Should Be Considered Cruelty to Audiences

Tracy Bennett/Sony Pictures

Review in a Hurry: Kevin James goes from mall cop to zoo dude, but the results are just as disappointing. He's a guy in love with a gal who's not worth his time, but he has a posse full of animals that can actually speak voiced by Sylvester Stallone and Cher among others. And they're all ready to help him woo his mate.

Little kids might love the critters, but adults will have a hard time caring about the disjointed plot. No one will dig the long running time. How many poop jokes from an Adam Sandler monkey does one film need?

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The Bigger Picture: Ever since his breakout as Will Smith's pal in Hitch, Kevin James has played role after role as the charming guy whose heart is as oversized as his frame. But as seen in Paul Blart and now, Zookeeper, that one mode of acting is not enough.

Griffin (James) has been a zookeeper for nearly a decade, but apparently even in these hard economic times, that awesome-sounding job isn't enough for his shrill girlfriend Stephanie (Leslie Bibb, who must be frustrated that this is the only role she gets anymore). She dumps him the moment he proposes to her. A few years later, Griffin is still working at the zoo, but his ex (who's now older and out of options) is thinking maybe she should have stayed with him. He still loves her (why?), but has no idea how to get her back. Right there, this feels disingenuous. Why does the script by James, Nick Bakay and Rock Reuben need Griffin to bend over backward for his ex if she clearly already wants him back? We're meant to believe it's because he's still got that "loser" job taking care of all those animals. Meanwhile, his coworker looks like Rosario Dawson and loves Griffin for who he is. Riiight.

Eventually this leads to the zoo animals revealing their secret to Griffin. They can talk! (And if you make it to the credits, they can sing...badly.) The CG lip-syncing looks cheap. There's Sly the Lion, Sandler the monkey and Maya Rudolph as a sassy giraffe. All speaking on top of each other. And it never feels like they're having the same conversation.

Odds are little kids won't notice. But all that would be OK if the antics of the zoo weren't disrupted to spend time with Griffin and his human pals like Ken Jeong. It isn't remotely convincing to see Griffin go to a wedding with his beard Rosario to try and make his ex jealous. Either go 100 percent with the talking animals concept or do the rom-com thing. Director Frank Coraci (The Waterboy) never finds the right tone.

As an actor James can't handle the ups and downs of the character. He's got that earnest-guy thing down, but trying to man up or roar like a lion falls flat. Without James to anchor the film, Zookeeper is a botched idea that's mildly diverting at best and a confusing mess at worst.

The 180—a Second Opinion: About halfway thru, Griffin breaks a gorilla out of his cage and heads to a TGI Friday. Nick Nolte providing the voice for the ape is weird and silly in a good way, and this scene is the only moment that feels unexpected and fresh.

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